“You’re just not hearing me!”

My guess is you’ve either said this before, had someone say it to you before, or both. It’s a common experience in relationships, because communication is the foundation of any connection, and with communication comes the potential for misunderstanding.

There are moments when something we learn doesn’t simply inform us. It reorganizes us.

That’s how working with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has felt for me.

Not as a communication technique. Not as a strategy to “say things better.” But as a practice of relating to ourselves and others with a level of honesty, clarity, and compassion that many of us were never taught.

This communication shift will transform your relationships. And once you begin to understand it and work with it, you can’t unsee it in the best way possible.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

At its core, Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a framework for expressing ourselves honestly and receiving others empathetically.

It’s built on four components:

• Observation: what is actually happening, free of evaluation (this part is really challenging but so liberating!)
• Feeling: how we feel in response
• Need: what is alive in us beneath the feeling
• Request: what we are asking for to enrich life

Rosenberg describes the communication flow like this:

“What I am observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are requesting to enrich your life.”

Simple. Direct. Human.

And yet for most of us, deeply unfamiliar.

Why? Because most of us were not taught to communicate this way. We were taught to evaluate, interpret, react, and defend.

As Rosenberg writes:

“Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.”

So instead of saying: “When the dishes are left in the sink overnight, I feel overwhelmed because I need support. Would you be willing to help clean them before bed?”

We typically say: “You never help around here.”

The first invites connection.
The second creates defensiveness.

And that difference changes everything.

This is why it’s called nonviolent communication. Because often, even if unintentionally, the way we speak can create harm.
NVC also offers a powerful reframe:

“Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”

“Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.”

Wow! Read that again! In other words, beneath frustration, criticism, or conflict… there is something deeper trying to be heard.

Another key insight that has stayed with me:

“If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.”

“If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.”

It sounds simple. But many of us were never taught to clearly name what we feel or what we need. Instead, we hint, assume, or expect others to just know.

And when they don’t, we feel disconnected, not respected, or unappreciated.

Learning to communicate this way has shifted my relationships in a profound way. There is more understanding, more patience, and more clarity, even in challenging moments.

I’ve used what I’ve learned to relate better as a caregiver to my 93 year-old grandfather and though we already had a wonderful relationship, it’s graduated to an even better place of mutual understanding, trust and respect.

Because instead of reacting, I’m learning to listen – to myself and my needs, to the needs of others, and finding a common ground to respond from instead. The difference is night and day.

Guided Journal Prompts to Help You Begin Practicing NVC

These journal prompts will help you explore this transformative practice of nonviolent communication in your own life. Respond to all or choose the ones that resonate most:

• What situation today triggered a reaction in me, and how would I describe it using observation only (no judgment)?
• What words am I using that sound like feelings but are actually interpretations?
• What need of mine feels most consistently unmet right now? What am I wanting or needing that I haven’t clearly expressed?
• Where am I expecting someone to “just know” what I need?
• What would it look like to clearly and simply ask for what I want?
• When someone upset me recently, what might they have been needing in that moment?
• How do I typically react when my requests are not met, and what does that reveal?
• Where in my life am I hearing demands instead of requests?
• Where in my life am I communicating indirectly instead of honestly?
• What boundary would support my well-being right now, and how can I express it with care?
• If I fully trusted that my needs matter, how would I communicate differently?

There’s something immensely transformative about this practice. It invites us to slow down, to listen more deeply, and to meet each other with greater care. My intention is to keep returning to that space, where understanding replaces assumption, and connection becomes the goal.

Join me?!

With care,
Ashton