Confessions of a Yogi With Celiac Disease (Can You Relate?)

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confessions gluten free

This one’s for all my gluten-free dieters out there. I’m on this diet because I have Celiac Disease and eating gluten literally destroys my body from the inside out – not to mention migraines, apathy, and constant pain.
 
Are you right there with me? Do you have jerks in your life who want to sneak a bread crumb into your food to ”see what happens?” Because I did. TMI alert! When I eat gluten I’m either:

1. On the toilet
2. Over the toilet
3. In the fetal position for hours with a heating pad and a bottle of ibuprofen (not that it helps much)

 
Does any of that happen to you when you eat a slice of bread, a cookie, or any of the other amazing gluten-packed foods out there? Yes? Then you’ll probably relate to my rant – and hopefully you’ll get a kick out of it, too!
 
If you’re here but you’re not quite sure what gluten is (or if you need to refresh your memory), read What Is Gluten and Is It Really That Bad for You?
 

Here are My 3 Rants About The Gluten-Free Diet

If you’re on a gluten-free diet, then you’ll appreciate these rants about living with Celiac disease (or being gluten-free for any reason). Here are just a few of my rants – can you relate?
 

Gluten-Free Rant #1. It’s Expensive

Manufacturers know Americans are suckers for the latest fad. More demand for gluten-free foods? Spike the price! The people choosing this diet will pay for it and the people forced into this diet have to pay for it.
 
I can’t begin to describe how frustrating it is to pay an average of $3 more for everything with a gluten-free label on it. And some people choose this?
 
Trust me. If I could buy the $2 loaf of whole wheat bread instead of the $6 loaf of gluten-free “multigrain” bread, I would. Not to mention most overpriced gluten-free foods are bland AF.
 
And don’t even get me started on the gluten-free “upcharge” at restaurants (up to $7 more for the same dish, only shittier!). Like really, we’re not even going to go there.
 
Luckily, there are some ways to get around these prices! Check out How to be Gluten Free on a Budget.
 

Gluten-Free Rant #2. It’s Annoying AF

Honestly being on a gluten-free diet is annoying in every way . . . from cookouts to first dates, grocery shopping to cravings. But I’ll just touch on a few:
 
At the grocery store
A gluten-free diet means extra trips to “specialized” grocery stores. Sure, we’d love to get everything we need at our neighborhood market, but that just isn’t happening. And that reality is annoying af.
 
At any restaurant
You know “the look” servers give you when you ask about gluten-free options on the menu? And you’re just praying to whatever higher power that this person actually knows what you’re talking about and not making up some bullsh*t answer?
 
Then you order a piecemeal of options from the menu, but you really don’t know. Guess what? Despite your best efforts, you probably had gluten anyways. And then you’re sick. And that’s annoying af.
 
At social gatherings
I know you’re over, “I’ll bring my own meal, don’t worry about me.” I am too. I would love to munch on more than lettuce at parties, but c’est la vie.
 
Friends of gluten-free people! Try cooking for them at your next party with these 8 Standout Gluten-Free Cookbooks to Help You Go Against the Grain. Just be sure to keep a clean cooking space to avoid cross-contamination!
 

Gluten-Free Rant #3. Gluten-Free Labeling

Does anyone else get the feeling that gluten-free labeling is a total free-for-all?
 
What manufacturers and dieters don’t understand is that if someone with Celiac or an intolerance eats something that has a huge “Gluten-Free!” on the front of the box and a tiny “Manufactured with Wheat” on the back, it messes up our systems.
 
I’ve been burned by that oversight more than I’d like to admit. And then there are other times, when I’ve scoured the candy aisle and read every label looking for a true gluten-free treat, where I’m just like, “F*ck it. I want a damn chocolate bar!”
 
But that’s beside the point. Get it together, label makers! Your deceit is tantalizing and just plain rude.
 

End Rant. Whew – That Felt Good.

I’m tired of feeling the need to explain myself to new friends or servers “Yes, I’m an a**hole, but not that a**hole.” I’m tired of having to explain that “gluten” is different than “glucose” and no, I’m not inherently a healthy person because I don’t eat the stuff.
 
I have one request for those of you that don’t have Celiac or an intolerance. Please stop explaining all the “benefits” of this diet to me. I’m stuck with it for life. I know. I know more than you.